Innocent Sorrow
by Valkyria Yori
Summary: After the kidnapping incident with Blue Square, Kida thinks he's ready to let go of everything. But what happens when the devil responsible for the act tries to stop him? And will he succeed? Rated T for depression. Eventual Izaya/Kida
1. Illusion of Comfort

**Yay! My first fic ever! Now, you people are my senpais, so it's your job to tell me what's good and what could get better. I apologize for any mistakes, I'm still learning english.^^' This first part is just the prologue, I will continue with the real story if I get any reviews. And... please don't kill me if it's bad. I've never written a fic before.**

**Rating for depression and some blood in later chapters. There will be eventual Izaya/Kida**

**Disclaimer:**** I do ****NOT**** own **_**Durarara!**_** or any characters associated with it. ****I am merely a huge duratard.**

What if you could go back in time. What if you could erase some events of your life. Then I know exactly what I'd erase, what I'd prevent myself from doing, which people I'd prevent myself from meeting. I wouldn't need to erase that much time either, what was it? A couple of seconds? If I could just erase that moment, those few seconds, my life would be different. But you can't go back in time. You can't erase the events of your life. What has happened remains forever. Your guilt becomes your past, the past that will follow you wherever you go. In a world where there isn't even proof of the future, the past exists. And the person whom you're guilty towards will be your god. Just like _he _said.

The name's Kida Masaomi. I used to be the leader of a gang called The Yellow Scarves. That's right. "Used to". Because I made a huge mistake. Or, well, I guess it wasn't just "one" big mistake, considering I've made many mistakes in my life. One of them was founding The Yellow Scarves. But the greatest mistake I ever made happened after that. When I met someone I mistook for being someone she wasn't. And another who made my life turn into hell.

The person I mistook was a girl named Saki. I mistook her for being someone I loved. Someone who loved _me_. But it was nothing but an illusion.

A rival gang, Blue Square, kidnapped her and tortured her. Broke her legs. And I couldn't save her.

I froze to the spot and couldn't move. What a coward. But Kadota-san and his friends betrayed Blue Square and saved her. She was badly hurt, but she survived. So, how come I couldn't save her? One would say it was because I loved her, and was afraid to have the one I truly cared about getting hurt.

_But that was a lie._

The truth was that I didn't love her. I wanted to, but I couldn't. After I moved away from Mikado, I had no one in my life I cared about, or that cared about me. My parents never did, that's for sure. I was okay with that, it was all I had ever known. But I needed _someone_, one I could care about, and that would care for me.

Mikado was my best friend; he was that one person to me. The only one I needed. And I had to move away from him. We were still chatting and all, but it just wasn't the same. And that's when I started feeling hollow. And created that illusion I so badly wanted to be real. But it was nothing but an illusion. She used me. Or, technically, _he _used her, and used me through her. But I used her as well. Used her as a substitute. So I guess I got what I deserved. Because she only did it to crush me. Did it so she could destroy me. But I can't blame her. How could I? I was supposed to save her, but I didn't do anything. I was too afraid. Afraid because the illusion I had created was shown to be nothing more than that. An illusion. A lie. And why should I blame her anyway? She wasn't the one to tear me apart. She was only doing as she was being told. Because she only followed her own system, just like I followed mine. And her system was to completely obey him. The person who destroyed me. Orihara Izaya.

I never visited her in the hospital. I couldn't. If I saw her, I'd also see the fact I so badly wanted to deny. There was nobody for me. Except one who had been taken away from me. I was all alone. I had been all alone since I moved away from Mikado.

I left The Yellow Scarves. I went back to school, started studying again and eventually got into Gakuen Raira. And then I asked Mikado to move to Ikebukuro so we could go to high school together. So that everything would be as it once had been. No Scarves, no Saki, no Orihara. Just the two of us.

And that's exactly how everything went. From the looks of it, everything was back to normal. We hanged out as usual; I joked around, picked on girls and acted like I always did when we were younger. Still, it wasn't the same. The past and guilt still followed me wherever I went, but I managed to cover it with my smile. That smile that looked the same to him as when we were kids, but in reality was completely hollow. My soul was completely hollow after the kidnapping incident. I smiled my signature smiles and joked around as usual, but the smiles were always forced, and everything was always an act.

Mikado and I started hanging out with a girl in his class. Anri Sonohara. She's very shy and also a bit mysterious, but she's very nice and the three of us have fun together. Well yeah, "fun". With the definition of having a good time and then feel bad afterward. Every time I have somewhat fun, I always get all depressed afterward.

Why?

Because a girl is hospitalized and can't walk all because of me.

True, she and that devil had it all planned. It was a test I was bound to fail and they both knew it. But that doesn't change the fact that I didn't pass. And I hate myself for it.

I often dreamt about that incident. I dreamt about how it must have been, and how it must be sitting in that hospital bed all day and not being able to walk. Then I had a dream about me visiting her. She was sitting in that hospital bed, same pale smile as always. I opened my mouth to say something when my eyes went to her legs. The blanket that had covered them was suddenly gone, and her legs weren't bandaged. They were covered in blood and a bit bent. My eyes widened with fear and traveled up her body. Now she was lying and she wasn't wearing that hospital gown anymore, _no_; but that same outfit she wore the night she was kidnapped. My eyes stopped at her face. Her hair, which had been dyed when we were dating but had later regained its original color, had that same fake brown tone as it used to have, her face looked paler than usual and her eyes were shut. She didn't move. I hurried over to her to feel her pulse. I couldn't feel anything. That hollow smile she always had… was gone. There was nothing there. No emotion at all. Not even that hollow smile. She was…

My eyes flung open. I cried out her name. I was sitting in my bed and I was sweating bullets. And that's when I realized it. The truth I had probably known all this time yet had always pushed away. My life is pointless. Even if I wish to live together with Mikado like I used to, I know I can't. It will never be the same. Not after everything that has happened, not after The Yellow Scarves, not after Saki. Not after that devil destroyed me.

I have no reason to live. My life is nothing more than an act. It has no meaning. My existence is completely pointless.

_I'd be better off dead._

**A/N: As I said, this was only the prologue of the story. The real action begins in the next part, which I will continue on if I get any reviews. I know nothing much happened in this one; this first part was just to explain Kida's feelings that led to his change in character. Oh, and sorry it was so short, I promise to make the next chapter longer. If I don't get any reviews, I'm perfectly fine with just reading and reviewing other people's stories. But if you want to know what happens next, review!**

**Thanks for reading!**


	2. Dawn of Despair

**Hi guys! Sorry it took a while, but now I'm back with the first chappie! ^^)b**

**First, I'd like to thank those of you who reviewed, added the story to favorites and story alert. The fact that some people actually enjoyed my work, even if it was just the prologue, made me so happy! I love you guys! ^-^**

**Second, I'd like to apologize to you anons that tried to review but couldn't. I'm new to this site, and I didn't know that you had to fix so that anons also could review your story. Sorry! But a friend pointed it out to me, and it's fixed now. If you're not a member of site, but tried to review on the prologue, please review on this one instead and tell me what you thought about this story over all.**

**Warning:****This chapter contain cutting. If you're sensible for this kind of content, you have been warned.**

**Disclaimer:**** I still don't own _Durarara!_ Or any characters associated with it. If I did, Saki Bakajima would never have existed. Or Vorona. Or Ruri. Or... Okay, never mind.**

**Hope you enjoy! ^_^**

_

* * *

_

_Chapter 1_

_Dawn of Despair_

* * *

_What am I doing? Why do I keep acting?_

Ever since I had that dream, I don't know what I'm doing. Why I keep up the act. Because now I've got it clear. I've probably known it for a while, but I haven't realized it. Haven't _wanted_ to.

_I'd be better off dead._

It's not like I have anything to live for anyways. So why even bother? Why am I still going back here, even if I know there's no point to it? For what reason do I keep up the act?

_Mikado…_

It's for him. Letting go of everything would hurt him. That's the last thing I want to do. I can't let him get hurt. I've hurt so many people already. That's why it would be better to just leave this world and die. That's what I want to do. But if it hurts him, I can't do it. Nothing's worth that. If anything, I want to protect him. I want to make sure the devils of this city won't destroy him the way they destroyed me. I want to keep _him_ away from Mikado. That would be my only reason to keep living. And if I need to put the mask of my former self on to protect him, so be it.

I went up in the morning like I used to, ignoring how much I felt like just jumping from the roof top of the building.

I changed from my pajamas to my school uniform, collected everything I needed for school and stuffed it into my bag. I didn't bother to eat any breakfast, nor did I fix anything to eat for lunch. Food didn't really matter for me. I put my shoes on and was about to exit when I recalled that dream once again.

I hesitated to open the door before I turned around and went into the bathroom. I grabbed one of dad's razorblades and put it into my bag before I went back to the hall and left the apartment.

Outside the rain pours down and the thunder roars as if it's in pain. The weather's a perfect match with the mood I'm in, actually. I wonder if this day will ever end. It sure seem pretty dark at the moment.

While walking down the street, I notice all of the yellow clothing everywhere. Seems like the Scarves are doing pretty well without me. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. But it doesn't really matter; I'm done with them anyway. Whatever they do has **nothing** to do with me.

Since I didn't eat anything, I'm earlier than usual. I could've gone even earlier; I didn't sleep at all after I woke up from that dream anyways.

I just lay there staring at the ceiling and wondered what the hell I was doing. My life ended when the kidnapping incident happened. Or maybe even the second I had to move. It's kind of hard to tell which, actually. Now I'm not even the same kid anymore. Just the hollow shell of the person I used to be.

* * *

Since I'm early, not many others are here when I arrive at Raira. I go to my locker and stuff my bag into it. Then I change to the slippers you wear inside of school and grab the stuff I need for the lesson. Then I just walk up some stairs and through some corridors, wondering just **when** this pointless day would end. The rain keep pouring down outside while I walk through one corridor after another, feeling like just opening a window and jump out of it. Good bye, Ikebukuro. Good bye, miserable life.

The thought was indeed tempting, but I had to restrain myself. I can't just leave him here. Then he'll be another target for the devil, and soon the shadows of the city will swallow him whole. Just like they did with me.

God, life sucks.

When I reach the door to my classroom, they haven't even locked it up yet. So I just place myself back to the wall beside the door, waiting for the teacher to arrive, while staring through the window on the opposite wall in the corridor. Why must it be so tempting to just walk up to it and…

_No._

I won't do it. Never. I will _never_ leave him here with all of the devils. _Not. A. fucking. __**Chance.**_

I avert my gaze from the window and instead look down the corridor on my right. I wish I hadn't. Because _who_ would walk down that corridor if not Mr. Pervert, also known as Nasujima-sensei. He's a perverted idiot who tries to get close with girls in the school so he can use them. Before I started hanging out with Anri, I sabotaged for him when he tried to 'get close' with her. When I did, I acted all bubbly and as if I did it so she'd fall for me. But that was just to keep the act up. I just didn't want him to destroy her life, which I _know_ he'd done to many other girls who have entered this school. She didn't deserve that.

While he walks by, he leers at me, and I stare right back at him. He seems rather surprised that I don't have that usual cheeky grin. Maybe I should've put it on to keep my acting up, but I really don't care right now.

"Kida…?" he stops in his track and stares at me. I still hold his gaze, and I can tell on his some-what curious expression that I probably look pretty pissed off right now. Oh well.

"Nasujima-sensei." I answer calmly with a voice devoid of emotion. It sounds kinda cold actually. I need to get rid of this state before I meet up with Mikado and Anri…

"Something wrong? You look rather depressed." He asks me with that disgusting voice of his, and a somewhat faint grin.

"Nah, nothing much", I respond, "What about you? Made any girls commit suicide today?" there wasn't that teasing edge to my voice that it usually had whenever I confronted him. It was cold and dead serious.

Nasujima didn't respond. He stared at me as if I'd grown another head. I wasn't sure if it was because of my cold out-of-character tone or if it was the accusation. I assumed it was both.

"O-of course not! What are you saying?" he then manages to retort. "What is it with you and your strange ideas about me!" He seem _pretty_ stressed up now that he managed to take in everything I'd accused him for.

"Just the truth. I have no reason to shut up with my accusations when I know that they're true."

Normally I wouldn't talk about this in such a serious tone. Normally I'd laugh and tease him while saying this, but I can't withstand this in my acting-state right now.

Seriously, what he does drives me crazy. He just uses people for his own selfish reasons, and then, when he has used them to the max, he throws them away. That also reminds me of another sick bastard…

While I start thinking about more distant things, I flinch when I feel someone grab my wrist and drag me forward.

"I did **not** do anything like that, _**understand?**_ You're simply out of your mind for thinking I'd make anyone commit suicide." He used a kind off menacing voice when he said this, though I was a bit surprised at first, I wasn't exactly afraid of him now either.

"Oh, _really?_" I sound rather cold again, but with a pretty menacing edge to it myself this time. "So you were actually not the person to use those girls? You were _actually_ not the one to make Haruna-senpai move from here? You weren't the one to destroy any of those girls' lives at all, _were you?_"

I can feel how my lips have formed into some kind of mean grin while saying this. _Wait! Why am I grinning? Stop it!_

He slowly loosens his grip on my wrist, but before he can even let go, I jerk it away in one swift move. He stares at me, wide-eyed, with an expression of…. Is that _fear?_

"You never intended to hurt them, did you? You just wanted to use them to get what you wanted, and then it simply didn't matter if they got hurt or broken during the process, _right?_ You wouldn't care if one of them broke a leg and wouldn't b able to walk again, _right?_ If they would _die_ that's perfectly fine with you as long as you get away unharmed, isn't it? You didn't mean to hurt them, you just didn't care about the consequences for them as long as you were fine, _isn't that right?_" I practically snarled the last part, but I didn't care. It's all true; both he and I know that.

He's completely speechless after I said that. Stares at me, eyes both narrowed and widened, for a while before he starts walking down the rest of the corridor and then down some stairs, leaving me behind.

That felt pretty good at the moment, but I know it'll come back and get me into trouble later. I just didn't care at the moment. That guy is so _false _and so _selfish_ I'd wished I was Heiwajima Shizuo a couple of times when I'd seen him trying to troll girls. But instead of throwing a vending machine on him, I had went there, stood beside him and told the girls about what he'd do to them with a cheerful sing-song voice, usually fake-flirting with them while I was at it.

But now I just got so angry I couldn't hold back when I saw him. He's such a sly, false, selfish…

I think one of the reasons I got so mad when I saw him now was that he and a certain other devil are quite alike in a way. As sly as you can get, as false as you can get and as selfish as you can get. That's the part of the devil that I'd recognized in Nasujima, and after that dream I had, it just got too much for me.

But there is one _**BIG**_ difference.

Nasujima is an idiot. A big, stupid idiot, while Izaya, which I hate to admit, is very smart, a genius in fact. He's sick in that weird god-like way, but if he wasn't so smart I wouldn't have said yes to his help back when I was in the Yellow Scarves.

Some girls from my class have started gathering by the doors to the stairs that Mr. Pervert disappeared off to. The rain had started to fall more fiercely now. I look to my right once more, this time at the clock on the wall down the corridor. A quarter left.

This is going to be a _long_ day.

* * *

As I thought, it didn't seem like this day would ever end. I sit in my usual seat by the window, staring out of it at the never-ending rain outside, while the teacher's blabbering on about something pointless.

Ever since I started going to this school, I've tried to concentrate on everything the teachers say to get good grades, because I hoped I'd be able to start over again. But now, that I've realized that there's no point to it; I really can't force myself to concentrate on it.

Seriously.

I probably should've skipped class today…

"Kida Masaomi-kun?"

"Yes?"

"Since you're here, why didn't you answer before?" the teacher asks.

Oops. Seems like he was taking the register…. I'm such an idiot.

"Oh. Sorry." I move my gaze to look out of the window once more; ignoring the questioning look the teacher gives me.

I can feel that I have most of the guys in my class staring at me right now. Guess they're not used to my not-so-bubbly attitude. But I don't care right now.

_I should've started acting once class started. I know that. But…_

I really don't have the power to put that damn fake smile on right now. But I _have_ to put it on when I run into Mikado and Anri. But right now, it all feels too pointless, I can't….

* * *

The rest of the lesson, and the lessons after too, I keep staring out of that window, not even trying to listen to what the teacher says.

Then, _finally_, it's time for lunch.

We usually sit at the roof top, but since it's raining, I doubt anyone will do that now.

As I walk to the cafeteria to wait for Mikado and Anri, I hear some girls in my class – Kotoko and Rima – whispering something along the lines of 'What's with him today? Since when did he get so emo?'

Guess the real me is something fairly new here. Well, what a surprise. I've been able to hide it for a long while, but I just can't keep this up anymore.

I sit down by some random table. It takes about 5 minutes or something until Mikado and Anri get there too.

"Masaomi!"

"Hi guys. What's up?"

Hopefully I don't look as emo anymore, but I probably don't look like my cheerful "self" either.

"You… Where's your lunch?" Mikado sounds rather surprised.

"Didn't bring any…"

Damn it.

Why the **hell** did I say that out loud? But still… I probably should've brought something anyways, just so they wouldn't worry. Why didn't I think of that before?

"Huh? Why not?" Mikado's tone changed from surprise to slight shock.

_Well done, Masaomi._

"Kida-kun…?" Anri's worried tone makes me feel so damn bad.

_I'm an idiot! The last thing I wanted to do was to make them worried! What now…?_

"N-no, really! I'm just not hungry. And I ate a lot for breakfast, so I'll be fine!"

Is that a white or a black lie?

I try smiling at them, try giving them that usual cheeky grin, but I can tell from their expressions that I failed pretty miserably.

What now?

"It's really okay! I'm not hungry at all. Um… I forgot something in the classroom. I need to go and get it. See you around."

* * *

I run.

Why am I running?

Away from them?

Away from the shame?

How can I be so _weak?_ I end up hurting them no matter what I do. Saying that I didn't bring anything to eat was stupid. Very. _Running _away from them is just…

Why?

Why am I running?

_I want to get away._

Why am I so weak?

_I can't hold it back much longer. I can't…_

How will I be able to protect Mikado this way…?

_I'm sorry. _

How will I be able to keep the shadows away from him…?

_Mikado…_

I'm trying. But just acting all the time…

… _It hurts._

I'm too weak.

I've hurt so many people, and I can't even protect those that are precious to me.

I'm worthless. Everyone's lives would be so much better if I had never existed.

But what now?

How will I be able to protect him now that I even can't control the shadows of my own past?

I want to die. I seriously do.

But I can't protect him if I'm dead. So I just have to keep living.

_I wish I was never born. _

Then I remember it.

The razorblade I took before I exited the apartment.

I take it out of my bag and look at it. The cutter reminds me of…

_Him._

Then everything comes back to me.

How I couldn't save Saki.

How I'm hurting Mikado and Anri right now.

How I can't protect them.

_How weak I am._

That's when I move the blade to my wrist.

The cutter goes through my skin and blood drips at the floor.

_Drip. Drop._

The pain burns, and the thoughts start to fade. I increase the force so that it burns even more, as if it was set on fire. I can feel that the more pain, the less my mind can concentrate on those thoughts. And I prefer the pain.

Those thoughts and memories all hurt so much; have hurt for _so long._ They hurt much more than the burning pain I feel right now. But to finally be able to escape them, if just for a brief moment, is incredibly freeing.

I wonder if Saki hurt this much when they broke her legs off. No. That probably hurt even more. Much more.

I add more force to it and I feel like my hand is going to fall off. That doesn't stop me.

Then another thought still manage to break through to my mind that has been so busy with the pain.

_Mikado…_

My whole world freezes.

I just stand there paralyzed for a moment until I realize what I've been doing.

I panic.

I throw the blade away as far as possible.

I feel my legs growing weaker, and before I know it, they can't hold my weight up, and I fall to the floor.

I sit there for a while just staring at that blade and listening to the pouring rain outside.

_What did I just do…?_

How could I? The last thing I ever wanted to do was to hurt them. But by doing this…

_I'm sorry._

Just doing this so that _I_ feel better, if _they_ see me this way I'll hurt them much more than I've already done.

_I'm so sorry._

I didn't even think, I just did what felt best for myself.

_Please forgive me._

**So, um... What do you think? Was it good? Bad? Is it worth continuation, or should I put it on HIATUS? If I get enough reviews, I will continue on it. **

**Sorry that Izaya hasn't appeared yet...^^' Hopefully I'll be able to put him in in the next chapter, if there will be any. **

**Thanks for reading!**


End file.
